How I feel

I'm sure most people, especially parents of elementary aged kids, are thinking about the school shooting in Connecticut. I know it hasn't fully left my mind since I found out about it. I was actually at work in the kindergarten room, waiting for my reading group to come back from testing. One of the other aides found out about it on her phone and told me. I felt absolutely sick about it. I heard a little more in the car on my way home and couldn't keep the tears from falling. Then suddenly I felt peaceful about it. That doesn't mean I don't feel heartsick and sad, I do. I mourn with those parents, students, teachers, and community that are so closely effected.
But I couldn't help comparing the way I felt then, to how I felt on 9/11 as I watched the towers go down and held my first newborn baby close thinking, "How could I have brought her into such a world as this?" I resolved in my mind that this world was a horrible dangerous place to be and that having more children would be cruel. I'm sure the terrorists would have been glad to know that.
But when I read posts about other reactions to this tragedy, I really started to wonder why my feelings were so different. I'm not scared for my children to go to school. I definitely tried harder to let them know how much I love them, and let little things slide so I wasn't yelling at them on their way out the door. But why do I have such a feeling of peace?
My theory is that my Heavenly Father is blessing me with the peace that Christ brings to us when we need it. I have come to a realization, and it hasn't been all at once or something I've always had, but I know that this world has crazy people in it. I know that bad things happen to good and innocent people. If it wasn't that way it would be a world where satan had won. Where free agency didn't mean anything. All good deeds would be rewarded and all bad deeds punished. If that we're the case then of course everyone would choose the good.
With this realization comes the next insight that the only thing I can control is myself. My reactions and actions are the only way I can prove myself to my Heavenly Father. I can't stop people from doing bad things. I can be kind to others and help people that I see need help. I can teach my children not to hate anyone (even boys, I have to tell my seven year old). I try to teach them that everyone is given challenges and blessings. Sometimes we can see them, but sometimes we can't see what is going on inside of a person. I try to teach them that people have a right to choose what they do. We still love them, even if they make choices that we wouldn't. All we can do is follow Christ's example. We can love, serve, and accept people while standing firm in what we believe is right.
The other thing I would like to teach my daughters is to be thankful. I know when I was young I thought I was a good kid, but looking back I know I was not thankful for what I had. It takes experience to know what is a blessing sometimes. As I have grown and matured I wish I could go back at certain stages in my life and whisper to my young self, "appreciate this right now." My girls all have such different strengths. They are so blessed, but are so young it is impossible for them to see how much. They will have to have their own experiences to know for themselves. But I hope they come to realize that If we focus on what we have instead of what we want, I know from experience, that we will be happier. It's not easy or natural, it's a choice to be grateful, one I work on everyday. It's especially clear now that what we have can be gone in a moment without notice, so I'm trying even harder to appreciate and respect what I have.
It feels good to get my thoughts out. I treat this blog kind of like a hybrid journal/scrapbook. I want my kids to be able to see the good times we have had and also read about some challenges I have been through and my thoughts on important matters. I love them so much. So it's ok if no one else ever reads this, but I like to know what the people I care about think and feel, so I think some of my friends might be interested in this.