Brave

I'm going to talk about my face. I get asked questions and sometimes I can see the questions behind people's eyes, so I think I should just write about my experience. Maybe it will be therapeutic and I will move on more quickly.
About a year ago, when we moved to Cache Valley, we lived in an apartment with a pool while we were building a house. I noticed that every time I put my head in the water the area right under my eyes stung. It was also a bit scaly and didn't heal. I had a lot of questions I wanted to ask a dermatologist. I have brown spots on my face that I got when I was pregnant that haven't faded, and Kes has a cafe-au-lait mark I wanted to ask about. So I went to my first ever dermatologist appointment. He told me that I had a few pre-cancers on my face and I would have to get a prescription cream to treat them. He said that the cream would make my face red and painful for a few weeks and that I should wait until the winter since it would make my skin sensitive to the sun. He said that if I didn't do it they would probably turn in to cancer. Well, winter came and I didn't do it. I was scared and the prescription paper was in a box somewhere and I had recess duty outside...I basically had a million excuses. But, eventually, I knew I had to do it.
I got the cream from the pharmacy and put it on twice daily for two weeks. Luckily the treatment coincided with spring break for the second week of it. I like to refer to that as the worst week of my life. The medicine I used is called Efudex. It is basically a topical chemotherapy. The first few days I put it on it wasn't a big deal. eventually my skin turned a really dark red in some places and nothing happened in others. Then it started to hurt. I still had to put the stuff on, I honestly don't know how I did it those last couple days. I will post some pictures...I think. I don't know how a burn victim feels, the fact that I knew my face would go back to normal was the only thing keeping me together. But this was the most pain I remember having, it was just so constant, inescapable. The only relief I felt this week was when I was asleep. Which reminds me, I would like to give a shout out to Advil PM. Garrett had most of the week off so he was there for the kids, I was really not. It hurt, but I only cried once, and I learned my lesson. I couldn't stop crying because the tears made it burn worse. Laughing was also not recommended, moving my face hurt. I basically tried not to have emotions for that week.
If I'm honest, the physical discomfort was not the only thing that effected me. I was really self conscious and embarrassed and scared. Whether or not people were looking at me, I felt...looked at. I wished I could wear a sign that said, "I don't have leprosy or any other communicable disease" around my neck. Going to the store or shopping was an interesting experience. I've probably thought about my looks as much as any woman. I know I'm not going to win a beauty pageant, but I try to look presentable. I have had pretty days and ugly days, but I had never felt so ugly that I didn't want to leave the house.
One Sunday of the treatment was conference so I didn't have to think about it, but the next Sunday was Easter and I would have been an ungrateful person and a bad example to my girls if I didn't suck it up and go to church. So I hid near the back or in the front so no one would notice...yeah right. Anyway, Sophie helped me get over it by folding her finger into a folding chair, so I had to be excused from Relief Society to take my sweetheart to the instacare. This sounds so selfish, but all I could think about the whole time they were x-raying and stitching was how much my face hurt.
So my follow up appointment was on Tuesday but I knew I couldn't wait that long. The doctor was on vacation during spring break and I really wanted to ask if the reaction on my face was normal. So I just went there on Monday and told them I would sit there until they could fit me in. Eventually I got looked at. He said it was one of the worst (which means the best) reactions he'd seen. He said that since the medicine only effects the pre-cancerous cells, it probably means that it got it all and if I'm a good girl and keep wearing my daily moisturizer with 35 SPF, I most likely won't have problems with cancer on my face. He also gave me a prescription for this amazing creme that moisturized and gave me relief within minutes of putting it on. It kind of reminded my of the salve Katniss put on Peta in the Hunger Games. I've been improving quickly and steadily ever since.
I really can't call this a trial, it was only a week that it hurt badly, I got the treatment I needed and it didn't turn in to cancer. In fact he said that it's like a chemical peel and my skin will probably look better than ever when I'm completely healed which will probably be in two more weeks. It always seems that the worst of times is also the best of times in some ways. I got to see some family over conference weekend and my brother's family came and visited. I realized how much support my husband is. And I learned to be brave. I have never had to be this kind of brave before. I seem to think if I ignore something it will go away. It was difficult to keep putting the creme on my face, but I did it. It was difficult to show my face to people, but I didn't want to let it dictate where I went, so I did it. I can do hard things! (Repeat to myself 3X)
So here is the before (taken at a scouting event by Sophie)

 Here it is about a week in to it...

 Here I am at about 10 days...

 Gross.

 At the two week mark...

 And the new and improved...

 

Me.
 I guess the moral of the story is wear sunscreen, and take care of yourself. I feel like I should put some on my kids right now, even though they are in bed. I wonder how much this will make me paranoid. I am now the crazy recess duty with the umbrella since my skin is still sun sensitive. I will definitely pay more attention, but hopefully I won't be scared of the sun, because I love to feel the warmth of it on my skin.